Sept 20, 2021
No Responders Left Behind – nice review in the New York Times!
Sept 7, 2021
A sneak peak at No Responders Left Behind starring Jon Stewart, coming this Thursday on Discovery+ for my American friends – not sure when it’ll be available for us Nordlings and those of you from more faraway lands. The music track is called “Ray’s to the Occasion Part II”
August 30, 2021
In early 2011, I felt a burst of creativity. For the first time in seven years I composed many pieces of music both serious and for their own sake. While much of my Limitations series came from this time, two very different pieces came out of this period. They are different because, unlike Limitations, they didn’t come from any big compositional idea. In spite of that, I enjoyed writing them and was satisfied with the outcome. A nice reminder that every work of art doesn’t have to be an attempt to change the world forever.
The winkingly titled Lost at C was originally composed for 7 trombones as a contest entry. Experimenting with a cello version, I discovered that I really enjoyed the sound of it played pizzicato with col legno (striking the string with the wood of the bow) attacks. And so here’s that recording. A post-minimalist piece exploring hockets/echoes in a large space over a C pedal point.
And here’s the trombone score – roughly the same as it would be for cellos.
The Fantasy for French Horn and Piano followed. A neo(post)romantic virtuoso work that also explores hockets/echoes. Fairly simple harmonic language and very direct in its communication. Fun fact: I was really under the weather for the two days which I composed this.
Here is a rough score, without articulations or phrasing, for those who like to follow along.
August 29, 2021
The latest recording (29th anniversary) of my String Quartet no. 1 from 1992 (!) is now available
on all yer favourite streaming platforms! This was my first major work.
August 6, 2021
Coming this September 9 to Discovery+!
May 21, 2021
By Rook or Left Hook: the Story of Chessboxing is completed and ready to hit the festival circuit!
May 18, 2021
Amazing news! Jon Stewart’s doc No Responders Left Behind will premiere on Discovery+ ‘s new streaming channel this fall! It was such an honour to create the score for this film.
May 17, 2021
My interview with CFRB 1010 Talk Radio on the process of creating Mass Hysterical.
May 15, 2021
Another interview! This time with OnStage Blog – more jokes and some serious stuff as well.
May 14, 2021
An interview with the Toronto Guardian. I am both charming and coherent.
May 10, 2021
Something a little lighter! 2021 Re-recordings of some of my jazz and bossa nova flavoured 2016 pieces for saxophone, piano, bass & percussion.
May 5, 2021
Coming soon to the U.K.’s Stream Theatre! Learn more & purchase tickets HERE!
Jan. 11, 2021
A new year brings a new album with a change-up in style.
Mutually Assured Seduction
A bunch of tracks I created in 2016, remastered late last year. Synths, big beats, robotized voices and lyrics just dripping with irony. Now streaming everywhere. Especially in yo faces.
Jan. 5, 2020
Dec. 15, 2020
Tonight is the big night! Don’t miss Mass Hysterical: a Comedic Cantata!
A one of a kind show!
Dec. 2, 2020
Just two weeks until the livestream of Mass Hysterical: a Comedic Cantata starring
Dec. 15 at 8PM, EST, Colin Mochrie, alum of Second City Toronto & members of the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.
A unique combination of choral chamber music, music history & comedy!
Nov. 2, 2020
I’ve been working on the musical revue, Mass Hysterical, for over a year and a half now so I’m
Oct. 10, 2020
The world premiere of ASHE, choreography by Newton Moraes, performed
me. A wonderful collaboration!
Show starts at 16:00 in video below
Sept. 11, 2020
Proud of everybody involved in this. Humbled to be a part of it.
Aug 4, 2020
Another EP of experimental chamber music. The sound creativity’s struggle with and adaption to arbitrary rules.
July 2, 2020
Happy to announce that one of my pieces got a small part in Jordan Peele’s Twilight Zone.
Thanks to the fine folks at Crucial Music for the placement!
May 29, 2020
Another new album out today on all streaming platforms!
The sound of creativity struggling with rules that limit creativity.
For any interested in experimental and/or ambient chamber music
composed in 2016
May 11, 2020
Finished the second draft for the No Responders Left Behind
soundtrack. Getting closer and closer!
April. 24, 2020
Decided to finally properly record and post this uplifting, virtuoso horn & piano piece I composed back in 2011. Full disclosure: I wrote it over three days when I had one helluva a face-crushing ‘flu! – now available on all streaming platforms.
Feb. 28, 2020
This is one of the many eccentric projects I’m working on now. This one you can catch starting March 25 for a three week run. If you miss the days of seeing me perform in full costume and make up – welcome back, nostalgia!
Feb. 25, 2020
From guest to guest host tonight on CJRU’s Songtalk Radio. Tonight we hear the music of Donna Linklater and talk about her classical influences including Debussy – Composer & Arnold Schönberg (Schoenberg)
Tonight at 7 PM!
Jan. 14, 2020
Four About Four, No. 3: the final and most complex set of compositions from the Four About Four series is now available on all your favourite streaming services (and all digital stores for those of you that download)
Dec. 6, 2019
It’s a perfect album to listen to on a snowy mid-morning (it’s snowning in Toronto)
Listen to it on your favourite streaming platform and get a tasteful earful of cello, flute, oboe and viola.
Dec. 3, 2019
This chamber piece from 4 about 4, No. 1 was an exercise in creating a clear melody, sense of a chord progression and expressiveness with only twenty four sets of the same four notes. Not easy. Definitely doable. Quite purty.
Nov. 28, 2019
Sometimes it’s fun to create something that sounds very simple in the most difficult way possible. The end result is pleasing but solving a very difficult problem to achieve that result will make you feel alive. Like reliving the joy of learning how to tie a shoelace.
Nov. 25, 2019
Four about Four, No. 2 Next Friday, Dec. 6th – a new performance of idiosyncratic and strangely beautiful pieces using only the twenty-four arrangements of four notes. As heard on the Freakonomics Podcast.
Nov. 22, 2019
Nov. 1, 2019
My 2019 recording of romantic and cinematic compositions, Almost Love, is now available on your favourite streaming platforms!
Oct 21, 2019
I’ve been getting some nice radio play from my album Intervals on Calgary’s CJSW without even knowing it! Here are some full, streaming show links:
SPEAKEASY – eclectic listening
NOISE – avant garde classical & jazz
MAPL Syrup – Canadian
Sept 12, 2019
My interview on CFMU’S Classical Today with Richard Kohar about Intervals and Four About Four coincidentally at 4PM. Listen on 93.3 or stream it HERE
Sept. 6, 2019
My latest EP, Four About Four, No.1 is now out on all streaming platforms!
Sept. 5, 2019
Very cool to hear my track, Intervals No. 3, Nostalgia on CJSW’s Speakeasy!
Sept. 4, 2019
New recording of these idiosyncratic, expressive chamber works.
Coming this Friday to streaming platforms
Aug 28, 2019
Intervals for Orchestra is finally on Apple Music!
Click below to listen!
Aug 27, 2019
Aug 13, 2019
Aug 10, 2019
I woke up to this huge news – Tears from my new album Intervals for Orchestra was selected for an official Spotify playlist!
My weird little piece sits between excepts from Wagner’s Siegfried and Puccini’s Aria, Torna ai felici dì.
listen to the whole album here:
Wed, July 24
Tues, June 25
Tonight, at 7PM EDT, I’m back on Song Talk Radio discussing the Elton John music/fantasy/biopic Rocketman
Friday, June 7
I’ll be enjoying myself performing my live score for Toronto Circus Riot until June 15 a mutli-discipline show containing comedy, circus, puppetry and audience participation.
Here’s a great story from the Toronto Star about it.
Tuesday, May 28
While doing P.R. on the road is necessary and I’ll admit, pretty fun, I never really get to talk about my compositional process.
Well that changes tonight!
For the first time ever, on Song Talk Radio, I’m talking ALL music theory & analysis ALL the time.
Not even gonna TOUCH on Toronto weather.
April 29, 2019
The Original Soundtrack for Green Lake is now available on your
favourite streaming platforms!
April 15, 2019
A few years late, but soon fans of horror soundtracks can listen to multiple skin-crawling tracks from Derek Frey’s Green Lake! Inspired by the music of Bernard Herrmann, Bela Bartok, Krzysztof Penderecki, Harry Manfredini, Goblin and using thematic material created by RaVani & Thom Durkin and cover art by Matt Saunders!
Coming April 26th to your favourite music streaming platforms!
March 5, 2019
Back home in Toronto for four performances of The Second City Guide to the Symphony at Roy Thompson Hall with the TSO conducted by Steven Reineke!
Feb 4, 2019
Two terrific, standing ovation shows of my The Second City Guide to the Symphony with the Orlando Philharmonic led by Albert George Schram and special guest host, Colin Mochrie!
Now available, for those in mellow moods – Piano and Sorrowful Sounds
Jan. 25, 2019
stream on Spotify
or on Apple Music
Jan. 22, 2019
New EP, Piano and Sorrowful Sounds coming this Friday!
Jan. 15, 2019
Stay tuned! Another EP of piano music to be released next week!
Jan. 8, 2019
Two fantastic nights in Dallas performing The Second City Guide to the Symphony with the Dallas Symphony Orchestra – fantastic crowds, amazing musicians and heartwarmingly funny to hear what two thousand Texans do when our host prompted, “The stars at night are big and bright…”
Dec. 18, 2018
Because I cannot leave my old recordings alone, I’ve been reworking my award-winning score for Green Lake and will release it as a soundtrack. Probably around Valentine’s Day.
Four years too late(!)
Dec. 17, 2018
Just in time for Beethoven’s birthday! My Prelude in D Minor for Flute an Piano
is now available to stream!
Dec. 15, 2018
New Release on Monday!
Stay tuned to Spotify and Apple Music on Monday where one of my old, but lovely,
chamber works will be released! I wrote Prelude in D Minor for Flute and Piano when I was twenty (a while back) and still trying to find a voice as a composer. There’s clearly an Erik Satie influence. Past releases of this track have proved popular so I’m hoping that this particularly expressive performance will find some of you as happy listeners!
Links to my artist sites below –
Nov. 19, 2018
A very special show at Sioux City’s beautiful Orpheum Theatre – terrific crowd, terrific orchestra and treated like royalty! Thanks to Marty Adams for this shot of me in front of the historic Wurlitzer!
Nov. 15, 2018
Nov. 13, 2018
Three terrific shows with the Phoenix Symphony with the Second City Guide to the Symphony gang & Maestro Nicholas Hersh!
Nov 7, 2018
Very happy to be heading down to Phoenix, Arizona to kick off the fourth concert season of The Second City Guide to the Symphony!
Oct 18, 2018
Happy to have two of my laid-back tracks added to Phantom Compass’ channelVoid, which features live computer-generated videoscapes, chill background music and an original livestream game you control via chatroom commands.
Sept 4, 2018
The Promise of the Future is now available on Apple Music!
Aug 27, 2018
My latest album, The Promise of the Future, is now available to hear on Spotify!
Listen on Spotify, or click below to preview!
Aug 20, 2018
For better or for worse, I design my own album cover art.
Coming soon to your favourite music streaming platform!
Aug 10, 2018
Pleased that three new albums of my production music are now available on Audiosocket, a music library known for being very picky for what they accept to represent. If you haven’t clicked the two links above, click this one!
Aug 8, 2018
Honoured to be creating the soundtrack for Kelly Zemnickis’ and Rob Lindsay’s moving and uplifting documentary, No Responders Left Behind.
July 24, 2018
Getting close to releasing a new album on Spotify.
And if you’re on Spotify’ and you don’t think I’m a jerk, FOLLOW my artist page, by golly!
Every bit of Matt Reid help counts.
July 13, 2018
Here’s a piece I composed for a production of Othello back in ’97, re-recorded
and sounding bittersweet and lovely.
July 5, 2018
Great that this old track is suddenly getting some Spotify love.
Makes me want to make an improved recording, though!
June 28, 2018
Performing the live score I created for Lookup Theatre’s The Toronto Circus Riot tonight and tomorrow. A really fun, interactive circus show that recreates an infamous part of Toronto’s history! 1850s style music galore!
June 27, 2018
Great night, last night, sending off Toronto Symphony Music Director, Peter Oundjian.
Some of the Second City Guide to the Symphony folks and I created and I created a goofy “This is Your LIfe” parody, complete with obscure jokes and musical references that made him (and those close to him) really happy. Which makes me really happy cuz he’s a hell of a guy and a fantastic musician! Bravo, Peter!
June 12, 2018
Finished my last album for Eggplant Play the other day – ten albums, ONE HUNDRED tracks of high quality, non-wallpaper production music since January!
What else you guys got fo’ me?
June 4, 2018
My tracks are starting to appear on Eggplant Play the first music library exclusively for kids’ media!
April 24, 2018
April 20, 2018
Hard at work on another production music album. This time – all heroic – all the time!
April 16, 2018
Completed my album influenced by Adventure Time for Eggplant Play. It’s a remarkable irony just how much intellectual energy can be required in music, comedy or politics to create something extremely stupid!
March 26, 2018
March 20, 2018
Back from three terrific days performing with the Grand Rapids Symphony – great musicians, great crew & great cast! But after a week on the road in the Midwest I seriously need a salad.
March 12, 2018
Friday the 16th to Sunday the 18th – I’m performing my Second City Guide to the Symphony with the Grand Rapids Symphony at the DeVos Hall!
March 1, 2018
My Second City Guide to the Symphony is coming to Phoenix! Nov 9th to 11th
Feb 21, 2018
Performing with Sean Browning as Reid Along with Browning at the Fresh Notes Comedy Music Festival.
Feb 9, 2018
Jan 30, 2018
Hard at work creating themed albums for Eggplant Play production music library.
Two down – and currently working on an outer space themed one. There will be
Dec. 19, 2017
Dec. 8, 2017
Almost Love is now available on Spotify!
Dec. 7, 2017
Click below for a simple video of The Other Path from Almost Love.
Dec. 1, 2017
My new album, Almost Love, is now available to review and download on CDBaby!
Nov 27, 2017
This post-minimalist orchestral track of mine is getting a fair bit of play recently on Spotify –
Nov 21, 2017
A whole new webpage design!
Oct 2, 2017
Autoage: Standoff is out on Steam! Here is what some critics are saying about my title track:
The theme song makes me want to rush down to the local toy store and pick up my favorite Auto Age action figure. – GOCconnected
Even the music has that cheesy sound of the decade of big hair and dodgy clothing, complete with a theme tune that is actually rather catchy. – God is a Geek
the soundtrack is highly pleasing – ZTGD
a killer theme song – TechRaptor
songs which were catchy enough to have me humming them days later – Monster Vine
The thumping soundtrack provides a perfect compliment to the on-screen action. Among the highlights are tracks by 20SIX Hundred, Skull Fist, Stilz, and TWRP; and a theme song by Matthew Reid – Marooner’s Rock
killer theme music – Gaming Bad
The Age of the Auto!!!! that song is such an ear worm!! – Game Mascot
I am a total sucker for 1980s synth-music like that. – Critical Hit
The music is superb. – Hey Poor Player
June 5, 2017
One of my tracks from Limitations opens up the latest Freakonomics podcast about lawn obsession.
May 24, 2017
All the compositions of my soon to be released album, Limitations are complete!
On the road again to perform my Second City Guide to the Symphony with The Calgary Philharmonic and the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra
Feb 21, 2017
Off to Jacksonville, Florida to perform The Second City Guide to the Symphony
with the Jacksonville Symphony and to walk on a beach in a T-shirt.
Feb 1, 2017
Dec 16, 2016
After hearing that ABC had pulled its digital wing it’s great to see that
NEWBORN MOMS SEASON 2 will be on ABC.com after all!
Happy to have created music for this!
Nov 1, 2016
Heading into the holiday season and Green Lake is still getting nominated for awards
including several more for best score.
Sept 24, 2016
Great time in Denver, CO. performing The Second City Guide to the Symphony at Boettcher Hall.
Sept 6, 2016
Next week I’m in Washington, D.C. performing my show The Second City Guide to the Symphony with the National Orchestra at the Kennedy Centre!
July 15, 2016
Now available on CBC comedy, The Whole Truths! With music by yours truly!
click here to watch
June 20, 2016
June 19, 2016
In just four days, the Toronto Symphony conducted by Peter Oundjian will perform my songs and Colin Mochrie and a cast of some of my favourite Second City alumni will tell my jokes!
The Second City Guide to the Symphony – 3 nights only at Roy Thompson Hall. June 23-25.
June 4, 2016
Dec 17, 2015
Had fun scoring this little Star Wars inspired film with
July 22, 2015
One of the quirkier uses of my music recently is in an animated, German, How-to video.
The subject? The Kama Sutra. The video is cute but probably NSFW.
BTW, The spaghetti western music is mine, not the happy, inoffensive stuff.
March 10, 2015
Grand opening of Second City Toronto’s latest revue:
HOW TO KILL A COMEDIAN
Songs and sound by yours truly.
for info & tickets, click here.
December 31. 2014
A rediscovery by Dangerous Minds and The Verge has led to over 10,000 viewings of my
very niche joke/serious, ambient, musical meditation. Nice way to end the year.
December 10. 2014
Praise for “The Second City Guide to the Symphony!”
October 30, 2014
It’s been a long work in progress, but on Nov. 29 & Nov. 30 I will be performing with the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.
The show is called “The Second City Guide to the Symphony” for which I helped write sketches and composed a whole buncha orchestral songs.
December 16, 2013
Check out this first single from Love Inc.’s Simone Denny from her upcoming solo album.
Disclosure: I may have contributed to a track on this album.
August 29, 2013
Second City’s new revue, We Can Be Heroes is officially open.
And the good reviews have already started coming in – along with some nice hat tips for me!
March 8, 2013
Sometimes I create music for a show that doesn’t get used. The original curtain call music
for Second City’s The Meme-ing of Life, that I made with catch-phrases from the show didn’t quite fit.
March 6, 2013
A very positive first review with a great shout-out for me from the Toronto Star!
March 5, 2013
It’s been a handful of crazy months, but tonight, we at Second City premier
A lot of fun was had preparing this score which is in many ways, the most intimate I’ve created for a Second City
Revue. A much higher ratio of “unplugged” material.
On the other hand, I managed to do the unthinkable and squeeze an orchestral fugue into the score.
Back in composer school one of the things I most vividly remember my Music in Media prof, Dr. Lothar Klein, telling me was,
never to bother putting a fugue into a film score because it’s too much work for something nobody will ever notice.
But sometimes, it’s enough to just create something for that perfect audience in your head.
Feb 11, 2013
I’ve been really busy these days. In addition to creating the sound & music for Second City Toronto’s 71’st Revue,
I’m also adding orchestral and piano colour to another soon to be mentioned project from an unlikely source.
More on that and other stuff later, cuz I’m sure THE CURIOSITY IS KILLING YA!
Oct 12, 2012
First review for Saucisse. And it’s a-good!
Oct 10-14, Oct 17-20, 2012
After successful performances in New York City, Saucisse: A Foo Musical
returns for a run in Toronto!
Foo, a skeptical, nomadic peddler strikes an unlikely friendship with Saucisse, a new-age vegetarian pig. Foo is horrified when he discovers the awful truth about Saucisse’s Divine Plan. Will Foo make the right choice and honour his friend’s wishes? Or take action and alter the pig’s destiny? Find out in this clown musical about friendship, fate and meat.
Lighting Design by Michelle Ramsay
Set and Props Design by Lindsay Anne Black
August 27, 2012
One more day until opening night for Second City’s new show,
Rehearsing between scenes interstitials, y’know so the music
don’t sound all arbitrary-like…
June 21, 2012
I’m a-gonna be lecturing for the International Game Developers Association of Toronto
on composing for games.
JUNE 5, 2012
Thanks to all who checked out Saucisse last weekend!
For your listening pleasure, here’s the Overture:
Can anyone hear the “Paint your Wagon” influence?
JUNE 1, 2012
For the past few months I’ve been working on a musical with Helen Donnelly
called “Saucisse: A Foo Musical.” She’s a great clown, and only slightly scary.
She does a short run in Toronto, this weekend. Here are the deets:
Check out the trailer too. It would even make David Lynch squint.
MAY 15, 2012
Here’s a time killer of a game I did music for as part of DARC Productions.
Click HERE to play.
MARCH 30, 2012
My cronies at DARC Productions are making a doc on Game Jams. Here’s the trailer – with music by me, natch.
FEB 19, 2012
An amusing chat on the podcast, Comedy Above the Pub with Todd Van Allen & Nigel Downer.
We talk about Saturday Night Live, Flintstones anachronisms and the importance of history in the most
absolute serious way you have ever experienced.
DEC 24, 2011
If you’re not sick of Christmas music yet, here’s a tasteful, Renaissance inspired piece I wrote
for harp back in ’99.
NOV 29, 2011
Here’s some holiday flavoured orchestral music I created for Circus Orange for the lighting
of the tree in Toronto’s Dundas Square. The experience involved pyrotechnics, an acrobatic fairy
and an operatic clown.
Da music’s below.
)CT 15, 2011
I recently created the score for Golden Gear Games‘ Seraph.
I was in a Steve Reich kinda state of mind…
My good buddy, Troy Morrissey at DARC Productions did all the sound FX
OCT 11, 2011
Check out this fun interview with me and two of my compositions on this music blog:
You may just find out what my favourite kind of pie is!
SEPT 29, 2011
Sometimes I like to climb into J.S. Bach’s head and create background music
loops that are way more involved than they need to be…
SEPT 10, 2011
When I get to compose music like this for Second City:
I am particularly happy. Nothing like occasionally channeling Dvorak.
JUNE 27, 2011
So I had a little Bach & Schubert on the brain when I wrote this music for a fun, upcoming
videogame called Poppycock. This is the 3rd variation on a theme (loopable)
Play the rough version of the game here.
Warning: there are monocles and tentacles on things…
MAY 26, 2011
There’s absolutely no reason why this old video I did shouldn’t be on this blog:
MAY 17, 2011.
TOJam gives participants 3 days to create a functioning videogame.
Here’s some of the music I did for them:
Bluebase Games did a brilliant mash-up Canabalt with Tetris. To go
with this, I did an old timey synth loop pastiche of Bach with some Russian flavour
The next game, a survival game by James Briggs, involved booting flaming
bunnies toward an army of suicide bombers in bear mascot costumes.
(We’ve all had that dream, right?)
I gave two passes for this one, the first being a sardonic, Shostakovich-like, circus piece:
The second was a drvin’ prog metal loop:
In the end prog-metal won. Apologies to Shostakovich.
So the title music sounded like this:
The last game, Team Ibehard’s (get it?) BACONSHARK was particularly fun.
And I’m not just saying that because I helped write the story.
In Baconshark, a Baconshark has created so much havoc that the sandwich gods
have decided that he cannot be and he must deconstruct himself. So in the game
you play backwards and undo the chaos you caused. If you fail to undestroy targets
the Sandwich God will yell, “Paradox!“
The gameplay required backwards SFX and music so
I created this palindromic score:
Here’s how it sounds reversed:
The title page music sounded like normal, but quirky,
And the opening logo music caused a few pairs of trousers to be soiled:
…sorry about your trousers…
The National Post ran a week long series of diaries from me recently. Although the editor did a terrific job cutting down my manifestos to 150 words, sometimes you just miss the original. So you saw them here first, the writer’s cut version of my National Post Diaries.
I am constantly aware of my own mortality. And it isn’t just the death threats I receive on
most days, it’s those nagging assassination attempts as well. These make me realize that
there is still so much to do and see that remains undone and unsawed.
So here, dear reader are ten things I intend to do before I sexily slink out of this mortal
Build a life-size replica of Godzilla wearing a beret next to the Eiffel Tower.
Record a vanity album with M.C. Hammer, who will constantly refrain that Matt Reid
can, in fact, touch this.
Move Angkor Wat to Ploughkeepsie, New York so I won’t have to pay for two dream
Invent an ice cream sauce called “Fudge you!” that actually tastes like pinecones
Resurrect the Marx Brothers so that they can re-film Duck Soup directed by Michael
Replace the Blarney Stone with the Barney stone, so that people who kiss it will forever
sound like that Flintstones guy.
Run with the bulls in the C.N. Tower.
Take a submarine to visit the wreck of the Titanic. When arriving, get out, stand on the
nose of the sub and scream, “I’m the King of the World!”
Visit the Lascaux Caves in France. Draw over each antelope’s face with a picture of
For three days, convince the world that I am Banksy and sell a million copies of three
foot tall, to scale models of Godzilla wearing a beret next to the Eiffel Tower.
Edited version from the Post:
Diary # 4
Even though the media is saturated with information about me: the extensive coverage
about me in the International Who’s Who, the enormous entry in the Oxford Companion
to Music, that cologne that smells like me when I’m thinking about apples. Even though
this is the case, there is still much about me that remains mysterious and ironically many
of these mysterious things I believe should be public knowledge. (italics mine)
I invented an instrument consisting of pitched chalkboards scratched by 88 miniature
rakes. I was most displeased when my selection of lullabies for this instrument was not
included in the final version of the Baby Einstein classical music series.
I composed a symphony that can only be heard by dogs and only be performed by
badgers. It is yet to be performed. Do your part. Write an angry letter to your local
orchestra and demand its inclusion in the next “Sunday with the Pops” concert.
I autotuned John Cage’s 4’33’’… Seriously, look it up on YouTube.
I own a magical chocolate factory. By that I mean it is a factory entirely made of
chocolate held together by magic. The factory itself only makes croquet mallets and a 24
hour delousing spray used by several esteemed prisons.
And finally, I was the original voice of Yoda before Frank Oz was considered. My
version had an Irish brogue, “Do or do not, dere is no troy. Lar-ta-tee-tar!”
And now, gentle readers, you know everything. Except the colour of my eyes. Seriously
people, my eyes are up here…Perverts.
Edited version from the Post:
Diary # 3
I have now received dozens of letters from readers of this journal. Ignoring the letters that
were laced with anthrax, many of you asked, “How can I be a great composer like you,
Mr. Reid?” Let me give you a tip worthy of the fingers of an Edward Scissorhan-esque
masseur – (sharp tips is what I’m saying. Please don’t make me explain my jokes again.)
After the orchestra’s final eruption of sound comes to its stentorian conclusion, the
audience rises to its feet, unable to contain its overwhelming need to applaud. This must
have been a truly great piece of music, no? To quote Oscar the Grouch, “Ding dong,
you’re wrong.” Let me make this perfectly clear, great music should please no-one.
Let me cite historical precedent: Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring caused audience brawling
that even the police couldn’t stop. At the premiere of Beethoven’s 9th, the maestro was
chased through the streets of Vienna and when caught was forced to endure a two hour
game of “keep-away” with his stovetop hat.
And this is why great music is great. It stands the test of time because people just can’t
stop despising it. Only last year, music lovers finally stopped burning effigies of Bach.
To conclude, a decent composer is disliked by today’s audience; a good composer is
loathed by tomorrow’s audience; a great composer, like me (and potentially you) is
abhored by audiences consisting of our post-apocalyptic, shaggy, green future overlords.
To quote Oscar the Grouch, “I love it because I hate it.”
Edited version from the Post:
Diary # 2
Like any art, creating music requires a certain amount of magic. By magic, of course, I
am not referring to a sudden “What is it now, Dum-Dum?” Great Gazoo-like appearance
in which I instantly realize the musical wishes of my masters. It is a much lengthier
process than that.
The people who need music from me know that they must put their requests in writing.
Then, before they go to sleep, they must place the written request under their pillow. If
they have been good, my elves will appear – and I’m not talking like Keebler elves, I’m
talking like those tough S.O.B.’s from Lord of the Rings, ready to bust a flaming arrow
into any five-0 wondering why a bunch of elves are rummaging through someone’s
In the morning, the request will have been beautifully completed. As payment, one of
your teeth will have been removed. I do not allow my elves to remove teeth, for as tough
as they are, tooth removal causes calluses. And if elf hands are not soft, they are unable to
operate their magic quills from which music flows like a fountain from a dream by Ponce
de Leon (you know, the one where he wakes up really having to go to the bathroom.)
Only my night-ogres may remove teeth. Surprisingly, their hands are also soft.
Edited version from the Post:
Diary # 1:
I make the music at Second City in Toronto. And if there is one thing that I know, it is
when you pause to think about Second City in Toronto there is an 85 percent chance
you’re wondering, “Where does that utterly charming Matthew Reid get all his obviously
perfect musical ideas?”
And prior to the opening of every one of our new revues, the media is constantly trying to
figure out exactly that. My door is knocked unceasingly, my telephone rings like a
narcoleptic’s alarm clock, the paparazzi, with their shape-shifting, appearing as
everything from mustachioed window cleaners outside my window to bearskin rugs I am
only three-quarters-certain I purchased (Barba-paparazzi if you will.)
And when they finally catch me, I give them the same response. The twinkle appears in
my eyes, my head rotates a full 360 degrees and I reply, “Why, just listen.” And then I tip
my chimney sweep’s hat, a faint scent of ozone fills the air and in a flash of smoke I
vanish leaving a trail ethereal musical notes and a half-eaten box of Lucky Charms.
Up next: the secret behind the magic!